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Average Adman
In the Oracle’s cave, I asked what the future held In the Oracle’s cave, I asked what the future held. She opened TikTok. A river of trends poured out—ice baths, AI faces, a man eating butter to music. I ran back to my client screaming: “This is what the people want!” By the time the campaign launched, the river had already dried. #AverageAdman #Undifferent #OracleOfTrends #ButterMan
I once chased a golden coin through a labyrinth. A I once chased a golden coin through a labyrinth. At the center stood my client, trembling, begging me to make them “bold.” I handed them a sword, whispered: “Be brave.” Then I stole their coin, repainted their shield beige, and showed them the safe exit. They thanked me for saving their life. #AverageAdman #Undifferent #LabyrinthOfBudgets #SafeExit
In the Valley of Reports, a library stretches fore In the Valley of Reports, a library stretches forever. Every scroll glows with “proprietary research.” I spent years reading them until my eyes bled pie charts. Each promised truth, each ended with: “Contact sales for the full version.” When I finally staggered out, I couldn’t tell whether I’d studied knowledge—or just brochures. #AverageAdman #Undifferent #LibraryOfReports #DeathByPieChart
I thought I was Neo. Instead, I woke up plugged in I thought I was Neo. Instead, I woke up plugged into an agency pod, fed only jargon and oat milk while Account Directors whispered buzzwords into my IV drip. HR told me, “You are special.” Procurement told me, “You are replaceable.” And every morning, I logged in again. #AverageAdman #Undifferent #PitchTheMatrix #BuzzwordIV
The Algorithm came to me as a seven-headed serpent The Algorithm came to me as a seven-headed serpent in a Patagonia vest. It hissed: “Scroll, mortal. Scroll until you see your own ideas reposted by 10,000 strangers.” So I did. Three hours a day. And now, every time I blink, I see carousels. #AverageAdman #Undifferent #SevenHeadedAlgorithm #DeathByScroll
I enrolled at the School of Eternal Frameworks. A I enrolled at the School of Eternal Frameworks. A wizard stood at the front, chanting in triangles, circles, and funnels. He promised that if we copied his spells exactly, we’d become enlightened. I obeyed. So did everyone else. And in the end, none of us could remember how to draw without a template. #AverageAdman #Undifferent #WizardOfFrameworks #DeckSorcery
Once I was hired by a unicorn. Not the mythical ki Once I was hired by a unicorn. Not the mythical kind—the corporate kind. Its horn was glued-on cardboard, its glitter smelled like sweat, and every time it tried to roar “disruption” a slide deck fell out of its mouth. We fought to drink its blood, calling it innovation. #AverageAdman #Undifferent #UnicornFarm #GlitterEconomy
I climbed a glass mountain where all the creatives I climbed a glass mountain where all the creatives go searching for originality. At the summit, there was no treasure—just an H&M, a Starbucks, and a coworking space called Nest with 500 people in the same black sneakers pitching the same campaign. A pigeon landed on my shoulder and whispered: “You made it. You’re different now. Just like everyone else.” #AverageAdman #Undifferent #GlassMountain #PigeonWhispers
Hey, don’t think I’m stupid or evil. I know my “lo Hey, don’t think I’m stupid or evil. I know my “local” multinational coffee chain isn’t a neighborhood business. But let’s not forget—they do support local economies. Just not here. Somewhere far away, where the beans grow. Where the drone footage pans across endless green hills. Where the corporate decks get their stock photos of smiling farmers holding baskets of beans under golden sunlight. And of course—where the brand films its purpose ads. Glossy, slow motion, inspirational soundtrack included. So technically, I am fostering local economies. Just not the ones next door. See? Even my caffeine comes with a case study. “Empowering communities, one frappuccino at a time™.” #AverageAdman #Undifferent #LocalGlobal #DeathByLatte #PurposeWasHere #BoldBraveSame #CMOLogic
Advertising people see the world through one lens: Advertising people see the world through one lens: ads. Got a brand problem? Make an ad. Sales dip? Make an ad. Existential crisis? Probably needs an ad. Even my son’s math assignments—I catch myself thinking, “What if we reframe the problem, build a catchy line, throw in some media spend? #AverageAdman #Undifferent #AdsolvesAll #BoldBraveMaths #AdvertisingLogic #BrandsInDenial
Out of office is the biggest lie in advertising. W Out of office is the biggest lie in advertising. We set it, but we don’t mean it. Because deep down, we’re addicted to being needed. So yes, I’m “on holiday with my family.” But if you’ve got something urgent, disruptive, last-minute, existential—please, ruin my time off. Save me from the beach, the small talk, the forced relaxation. Work is the real all-inclusive. #AverageAdman #Undifferent #OOFButNotReally #AdmanOnHoliday #DeathByUrgency #BrandsNeverSleep
Big brands love big talk. Bold, brave, world-chang Big brands love big talk. Bold, brave, world-changing manifestos. But let’s be honest—most of the time, the “idea” is a new flavor, a seasonal collab, a tweak on what’s already been done a hundred times. And that’s fine. That’s the game. That’s why I’m here. To write headlines so oversized they make your small idea feel like it owns the universe. Big budgets deserve bigger headlines. Typeface so large it drowns out the emptiness. Helvetica as heavy as your media spend. No matter how small the idea is I dress it up in headlines so inflated they make your CFO weep with pride. So if you’ve got the money, but not the meaning—call me. I’ll make a modest idea feel monumental. Together, we’ll prove once again that in advertising, size really does matter. #AverageAdman #BigHeadlinesSmallIdeas #BigBudgetsBiggerHeadlines #Undifferent #DeathByTypeface #BrandsInDenial #HireMeForTheFontSize

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