Look, I don’t usually say it in marketing spheres—but I’m becoming more and more spiritual. And that makes writing this piece harder than usual. Because we, in the industry, love to mock meaning. We audit souls through data. We optimize feelings for CTR. And yet here I am, standing at the void, whispering something no adman dares to say: life is terribly marketed.
People love to criticize God. I get it. Cancer. Pedophilia. Famine. Endless cruelty. As a human with wifi, I’ve had that angry atheist phase too. But lately, I’d made peace with the idea I’ve been pitching to clients for so long: seeing problems as opportunities. Suffering as a feature, not a bug. Shadow work, you know. The spiritual rebrand.
Until I hit a new wall:
Life is a bad product, badly positioned.
Let’s do a quick audit using the 4 Ps.
1. Placement / Distribution
Life’s everywhere. Ubiquity levels that would make Coca-Cola cry. Physical salience: nature, seasons, pets, babies… Grown-ups don’t count—they’re brand-damage – they are living dead. But that’s the problem: it’s so omnipresent, it’s a commodity. You don’t need to qualify for it. Just bang and boom—congrats, you exist. Unless you’re 40+, chemically preserved, and trying IVF like it’s a Kickstarter campaign. But still: oversaturation kills value. Classic double jeopardy law but the other way around—too big, too common, too easy = no one gives a shit.
2. Price
Life is free. That’s the problem. Not entry ticket. The product itself costs zero euros. If life had a price tag, we’d value it more. Price perception 101. Scarcity breeds desire. Instead, we treat it like a cheap giveaway. Disposable. Replaceable. God, if you’re reading this, you fumbled pricing strategy hard.
3. Product
Okay, feature-wise, life is top-tier. Breathable atmosphere. Multi-species cohabitation. Real-time emotions. Open-world design. But that’s not the point. Perceived value is everything. And perception is low.
Some people are so deeply embedded in systemic misery, no amount of dopamine-decked consumerism can touch them. Others are numb, pretending everything’s fine while bingeing distractions and personal brands. The few who do seem to be thriving? We made them up in our ads, films or tik tok. And now even they’re AI-generated.
We’ve over-segmented. Lost the masses. It’s time for mass marketing again. Top-of-funnel brand building. Not micro-moment targeting. Life’s awareness and reputation is losing to Netflix, influencer fame, and “get rich fast” dopamine slots. That’s not good.
4. Promotion
Life has zero brand consistency. What’s the tagline? “Just be”? “Good vibes only”? It’s all over the place.
Sonic branding? Babies crying. No thanks. Birds and rivers are nice but way underpowered in this loud-ass feed. Shouting has been captured by Red Bull and adventure brands. Emotion? Hijacked by NGOs and fintech.
We need a 2000-year strategy. A proper one. A full rebrand.
Recommendation: Own laughter. It’s primal. Inclusive. Contagious. Borderless. A brand asset no one’s truly claimed. If life can’t own happiness, at least dominate humor. Make laughing cool again. And stay consistent. Stop switching agencies every season. Let’s forget Love. Happiness. Connection. Everyone fight for those territories.
And let’s talk leadership. Sorry God, but invisibility hasn’t tested well. For centuries. Crusades. Desperation. Conspiracies. At some point you need a mascot. A jingle. A TikTok face. Let’s give you a makeover. Not because you need it. But because we do.
Culturally,
we are so trapped in our stupid ego fights that life needs to embrace identity politics, too. Create a platform. A proper movement. Call it: #AllLifeMatters. Not the corrupted, co-opted kind. The real kind. The messy, inclusive, chaotic punk kind.
Look, I just did this in 30 minutes. And I know it’s just a bunch of Average Adman level shit – but it’s already better than most of the last 200,000 years of life brand storytelling we got till now. Not trying to be arrogant—but sometimes it helps to get an outsider’s POV.
I know internal politics are probably hell up there. I’ve worked with legacy clients. I get it. But still—Life needs a new CMO, now.
God, I’m open to discussions. But I must say budget review comes first.
In the meantime, if any other brand wants to play: let’s talk.
—The Average Adman
